A SLOW NEWS DAY SPECIAL!
By Mark Baratelli
Two realtors didn't contact us asking for us to re-imagine two of their for sale properties. We said yes! There were two stipulations: (1) none of the ideas would be executed and (2) there's no budget. Below are the two buildings. Note: This whole stupid piece is totally tongue in cheek. Don't hayyyte.
1. The Watercat Buillding - That atrium roof promises something green and leafy underneath but we've all been burned too many times to know it delivers a potted ficus next to a broken cigarette machine. The mirror windows and jail building white paint saying "Don't enter" juxtaposes well with the welcoming office/roof drop off drive which NO ONE ever uses except when Wendy needs a ride when her Renault breaks down. Add a shaded misting fan-misting rooftop office and lounge. The roof should be covered in that good fake grass high end hotels use around their pools.
For a wow factor as guests drive into the parking lot, water should be sheeting off the roof down the windows at all times into a rock-covered retention pond just beneath the overhang. When you're inside and look out the windows, you should think "I'm in London and depresses."
Replace the landscaping with native plants that don't require water or maintenance. This area will become a freal cat sanctuary through the use of invisible fencing, auto-feeders, natural ponds for water and a constantly churning sand pit slash kitty litter box. No one can see the cats and they cannot leave. Guests just hear meowing and bushes moving. The feral cats are only up for adoption if you can catch one.
2. The Decomposure Building - Only used in two projects in Brussels so far, what's known as a decomposing forest roof (don't google it) goes atop this current flat roof. Think trees, walking paths with varying height, butterfly-attracting wildflowers and 6-10 live adult deer.
This type of roof is meant to mimic nature in that everything decomposes. Including the roof itself. The roof is built to deteriorate over its 20 year lifespan until it makes the building beneath it uninhabitable. It brings humans back into the peril and unpredictability we were all so able to contend with before the invention of inside.
Tree roots, the adjacent forest floor and a deer or two eventually slowly fall down into random cracks of the roof and enter certain offices. The tenants of those offices must negotiate with and move into another office within the building. They may not move out of the building. This goes on and on until the entire building's tenants are working in the same office all on top of each other. This mimics cave life, physical strength and the power of "we." The day the entire forest roof collapses, all tenants will have already been moved out. No injuries are supposed to occur.
Oh You Want Some of This? If you'd like us to re-imagine you're building.. what's wrong with you? Ok if you passed that test, what's wrong with your Mom? (I can say that because my Mom is on a feeding tube). Now that you passed THAT test, email me a link to your building's info sheet if it's for sale. If it's not, then send me the address and your connection to the building. Mark@thedailycity.com. This feature will blossom into a million dollar business that will whisk me from my life in Orlando and take me across the world to do what I do best: judge. #lawofattraction #ideserveitdammit
By Mark Baratelli
Two realtors didn't contact us asking for us to re-imagine two of their for sale properties. We said yes! There were two stipulations: (1) none of the ideas would be executed and (2) there's no budget. Below are the two buildings. Note: This whole stupid piece is totally tongue in cheek. Don't hayyyte.
1. The Watercat Buillding - That atrium roof promises something green and leafy underneath but we've all been burned too many times to know it delivers a potted ficus next to a broken cigarette machine. The mirror windows and jail building white paint saying "Don't enter" juxtaposes well with the welcoming office/roof drop off drive which NO ONE ever uses except when Wendy needs a ride when her Renault breaks down. Add a shaded misting fan-misting rooftop office and lounge. The roof should be covered in that good fake grass high end hotels use around their pools.
For a wow factor as guests drive into the parking lot, water should be sheeting off the roof down the windows at all times into a rock-covered retention pond just beneath the overhang. When you're inside and look out the windows, you should think "I'm in London and depresses."
Replace the landscaping with native plants that don't require water or maintenance. This area will become a freal cat sanctuary through the use of invisible fencing, auto-feeders, natural ponds for water and a constantly churning sand pit slash kitty litter box. No one can see the cats and they cannot leave. Guests just hear meowing and bushes moving. The feral cats are only up for adoption if you can catch one.
2. The Decomposure Building - Only used in two projects in Brussels so far, what's known as a decomposing forest roof (don't google it) goes atop this current flat roof. Think trees, walking paths with varying height, butterfly-attracting wildflowers and 6-10 live adult deer.
This type of roof is meant to mimic nature in that everything decomposes. Including the roof itself. The roof is built to deteriorate over its 20 year lifespan until it makes the building beneath it uninhabitable. It brings humans back into the peril and unpredictability we were all so able to contend with before the invention of inside.
Tree roots, the adjacent forest floor and a deer or two eventually slowly fall down into random cracks of the roof and enter certain offices. The tenants of those offices must negotiate with and move into another office within the building. They may not move out of the building. This goes on and on until the entire building's tenants are working in the same office all on top of each other. This mimics cave life, physical strength and the power of "we." The day the entire forest roof collapses, all tenants will have already been moved out. No injuries are supposed to occur.
Oh You Want Some of This? If you'd like us to re-imagine you're building.. what's wrong with you? Ok if you passed that test, what's wrong with your Mom? (I can say that because my Mom is on a feeding tube). Now that you passed THAT test, email me a link to your building's info sheet if it's for sale. If it's not, then send me the address and your connection to the building. Mark@thedailycity.com. This feature will blossom into a million dollar business that will whisk me from my life in Orlando and take me across the world to do what I do best: judge. #lawofattraction #ideserveitdammit